January 20th, 2011

One year ago today, I had received the phone call that my brother had been in an accident.  I remember driving to the hospital during rush hour, completely speechless and scared. The memories of that night have come back so vividly for me. Needless to say, it has been an emotionally draining and exhausting week.

The other night I was so upset and figured that going to the gym would be the best way to deal with my emotions.  I got on the elliptical and started my workout, but was just so overcome with emotion. I had to stop and go into the bathroom for about 10 minutes. Looking back, I think I was having a panic attack:( I got back on the elliptical and a few minutes later my trainer came over to talk to me, which kept my mind distracted. I was able to finish my workout, but just didn't feel right for the rest of the night.

I just get such a sick feeling to my stomach thinking of this time last year. At this time we were going through a number of tests to determine whether or not Brent was in fact brain dead. It wasn't until the 22nd that he was officially pronounced dead. I just remember having so much hope that he was going to make it and it makes me so incredibly sad that he isn't here today.

Everyone says that I should celebrate him this week, but it is so hard to not feel the emotions and sadness that we experienced on this week a year ago. My life was forever changed. In some ways I am a stronger person, but in other ways I feel so much weaker than I have ever been in my life. I do want to celebrate him - and I will - but I also know myself and know that these next few days are going to be hard. My little happy world was completely turned upside down a year ago and it has taken a lot of work and time to get to where I am today. I know that I have come a long way, but there is still so much sadness in my heart.

Anyways, I really appreciate all the sweet, thoughtful Facebook messages, emails, and texts - they definitely help more than you know. Hug your loved ones for me this week:) And wear orange on Saturday, if you have any!:)

I am going to leave you with the last picture that was taken of Brent. It was taken on the day of his accident - he was going to the park with his best friend Danny and his little boy Aaron.  They said that he was really happy that day, which makes my heart feel happy:)

Resolutions...

Here are my 2011 resolutions:

My first resolution is to continue taking care of myself physically. I have been going to the gym 5-6 days a week for the last three months and I absolutely LOVE it! After Brent died I stopped taking care of myself. I put all of my energy into grieving and taking care of my family, but never took the time to take care of myself.  I guess that is what grief does to you. I finally feel stronger and I feel like I am in a pretty good place. I feel good about working out. I have a few goals, like I want to lose some weight and I would love to be able to run a 12k, but ultimately I just want to make sure that I take this time for me. I need it and I deserve it.

On a sidenote, I have started listening to music while I workout and it was so motivating! A song came on that reminded me of Brent - it was a song that we used at his memorial and a song that he had on his Myspace page. It totally caught me off guard and I got really emotional. But then I got motivated and inspired. It made me feel strong. He was training to be a police officer before he died and was working out a ton. I can imagine that he blasted this particular song while he worked out. So, I worked out for the both of us yesterday.

My second resolution is to send birthday cards to my family and friends for the entire year. I love getting cards in the mail and it is such a nice way to let someone know that you are thinking of them.  I am already off to a great start. 13 days into the new year and I have already sent out 2 birthday cards. Go me!!!

What are your resolutions?

Some recent pictures...

Cooking in her kitchen wearing her new apron from Grandma Teri, which she loves!

A fun playdate with Angie, Cameron, and baby Elijah. Cameron was in my class a few years ago and his mom and I became friends. He is such a great kid and an amazing big brother. I joked with Angie that I would like to adopt him for part of the summer:)  Is that still okay Angie?:)

Eli wants to look too!

Nelia loves sitting in the windowsill...it is totally random, but she just loves it!

Heading outside wearing her new orange jacket from Opa - so cute!!!  She absolutely loves being outside even if it is freezing cold.

Doesn't this picture remind you of the Christmas Story when the little boy gets his tongue stuck to the pole??:)

Peek a boo!

Wearing her new pink and orange hat from Grandma Teri...Uncle Brent would be so proud to see all of this orange!!!!:)

Christmas 2010

Experiencing Christmas through Nelia's eyes was the best gift we could have received this year!  She really loved the holidays.  She helped me bake many yummy goodies (her favorite thing to do is mix), she loved driving around and looking at all the Christmas lights, she became friends with Santa (and not only did she learn how to say 'santa', but she says 'ho ho ho'), and she loved watching the snow fall while sitting inside and looking out the window.

Our Christmas celebration began on Thursday when Uncle Brandon and Aunt Deanna arrived.  We spent the afternoon hanging out and ended the day with Nelia running around and dancing in her diaper until way past her bedtime:) Friday morning Deanna and I started our new Christmas Eve tradition and headed out for a mani/pedi - so fun! That evening we went to the annual Lynch Christmas Eve party and we got to see lots of family who we don't get to see often enough!

That night I presented everyone with their very own pair of matching pjs, because I am cool like that:)  Patrick made fun of me for days, but I kinda think he liked it:)  We put out cookies and milk for Santa, put Nelia to bed, and we got to work getting everything ready for the morning.

Christmas morning Nelia came downstairs and saw her gifts from Santa - her expression was priceless! Such awe and excitement. I loved it!!! She had a new kitchen, easel, and table waiting for her:)  We had family over for a yummy breakfast and then opened presents.  So fun!  Everyone left by noon and it was just the three of us.  At this point Nelia was pretty overstimulated and overtired so she was pretty grumpy for the rest of the day.  I was feeling pretty sad about Brent not being there (or the rest of my family for that matter) so we ended up having a pretty quiet rest of the day. In fact, I didn't even cook Christmas dinner, even though I had every intention of making a feast for the three of us. We just ended up having cheese and crackers. It wasn't even until Sunday that Patrick and I exchanged Christmas gifts (thanks hubby for my new Hunter rainboots, I love them!).

And that wraps up Christmas 2010! 

Being silly before the Christmas Eve party...I just loved her Christmas outfit this year:)

Hyper little girl running around and dancing in her diaper...didn't help that we were all sitting in a circle and she was the center of attention:)

She adores her Uncle Brandon

And loves her Auntie Dee Dee!

Look what Santa brought!

Coming downstairs Christmas morning...don't you just love her expression??!!

Passing out presents:)

She loved her new scarves from Gymboree!

This picture makes me laugh!

Oooh... a duck!!!